Today, in my sickest hour yet of this week-long virus,
I watched "The Fault in Our Stars"
which falls into the category of
"sad movies that make me cry hysterically".
Just like "My Sister's Keeper" and "Walk to Remember"
(obviously I have a theme here)
But the difference between this movie and those movies,
is what I cried at.
Let me digress.
(I feel like I used a fancy word - "digress.")
This picture below is the first picture taken of me as a mommy.
It was taken on a crappy old digital camera,
in an Operating Room filled with lights, sterile medical equipment,
I'm makeup-less with a puffy face, lying on an OR table,
with my guts hanging out on the other side of the curtain.
This photo ain't winning any awards.
But it was the first photo of me as a mommy.
They say "being a parent changes your life."
Which I totally agree with.
But one thing I wasn't prepared for was how it would change my viewpoint of the world.
Now I look at everything through the eyes of a parent.
Shortly after becoming a mom, I couldn't watch SVU anymore
(a show that Adam and I used to love)
because I could only see the show as the parent.
Every news story, internet article, blogpost, etc
is all read from the view of the parent.
Adam made a funny quip one day about us being old.
"You know you're old when you watch teen movies and start siding with the parents."
So taking a full circle back to my genre of "sad crying" movies,
When I watched "My Sisters Keeper" and "Walk to Remember,"
I cried during the sweet, sad, nostalgic scenes,
where the soft music is playing and they whisper of the memories.
Because when I watched them, I wasn't a parent yet.
But during "The Fault in Our Stars",
I cried the most in any scene with the parents.
The plot is a beautiful love story.
But all I could see was the fear and pain of two parents
raising a child with cancer,
wanting to do everything in their powers to make it right,
to be there for their child, and
that that their greatest goal was that their child be happy in her last years.
At 19 months, Aaron is a healthy, happy child.
And I'll do everything in my power to see that he grows into a healthy, habit adult.
But I will always ALWAYS cry when I see other children
who are suffering, from whatever it may be,
because I will always imagine "what if it was Aaron."