Tuesday, June 21, 2016

SAHM Fears

Well I did. 

So many unknowns. 
Of course there will be many rewards, 
but there will also be many frustrations. 

Having been home for a month on my own already, 
I can start to address a few of the fears below.
But I still want to list them here 
(purely for documentation purposes).  


My fears may be irrational. 
And shallow. 
And silly. 
But I promise that they are 100% honest.  


***

Will I be bored? 

I am a productive individual. 
I like to accomplish things. 
I like trying new things 
and experiencing new things. 
And while my 7-4 job in corporate finance wasn't exactly thrilling
I was always doing something.  
Yes, to some extent, doing stuff at home is within my control. 
But some days it won't be, and those days terrify me.

***

Will I lose my sense of self-worth? 

"Hi, I'm Emily. I work in finance." 
 That has been my intro line for as long as I can remember. 
To pause my career for an indefinite time, 
is a little terrifying. 
I decided long ago that I didn't want to be a corporate ladder-climber, 
but at the same time, 
it's hard to imagine Emily-NOT-the-employee. 

***

What will other people think? 
 This is a much bigger fear than I like to admit. 
In my opinion, obsessing over people's opinions shows weakness and insecurity.
But the truth is that I AM a little worried about what people will think. 
With the exception of one girlfriend, EVERYONE I know is a working mom. 
Friends.  Family.  All of 'em. 

And if we're being TOTALLY HONEST, 
I've always held working moms in just a tiny bit higher regard simply because 
I can identify with the struggle. 
It's not that I ever looked down on SAHMs, 
but I always said the term "working mom" with pride. 
Like I deserved some sort of busyness award or something (snort). 

***

Will I become less relevant? 

 Combining the two above, 
my self-worth and others' opinions, 
I don't want to lose my grip on the real world outside of motherhood.
I don't want to be that obnoxious person who only talks of her kids
 (although to be fair, that may have already happened 3 years ago when Aaron was born...). 
I don't want to become so absorbed in our little self-designed schedule, 
that I forget what it's like to have "real" commitments to a full-time job.  




***

Will I regret it later in life? 

This fear can be flipped on a working mom, too, obviously. 
We all fear regret. 
We all wonder if we did the right thing. 
My mother always says staying home was her best decision, 
but I have also read countless stories from other moms 
who later in life wished they had done even a little part-time. 

***

Will I appreciate my children less? 

Probably the worst possible thing a mother could say. 
But is it true? 
When Aaron is going through particularly obnoxious stages, 
it IS nice to get away and go to work. 
To leave the house wishing Adam "good luck" for the next hour, 
before he too can drop Aaron off at daycare 
and wish the teachers "good luck." 

 *Except, oh wait, Adam doesn't get home until kids are in bed!

***

Am I going to hold this over my kid's heads? 

Again, same lines as the one above. 
I never want to find myself saying: "I sacrificed so much for YOU." 
My mom stayed at home while I was growing up 
and when she talked about sacrifice, I rolled my eyes. 
Mom, I don't care! 
Go back to work, I don't care! 
Kids don't care about this kind of stuff. 
I don't ever want to be that mom going on and on about her sacrifice

*** 

Will I shop too much? 

Laugh all you want, but this is true. 
When Adam went golfing on weekends, 
the #1 activity Aaron and I would do together is shop.
Now I have EVERY. SINGLE. DAY to shop. 

*** 

Will I get fat? 

I always pack my breakfast and lunch (and sometimes dinner). 
It forces me to plan out my calories in advance. 
And I never carry cash so vending machines are out. 
I tend to snack a lot on the weekends, 
and I worry about having 24/7 access to my pantry.

 *** 

When will I work out? 

I utilized the 45 minutes between work and daycare to go for a run. 
It was an awesome decompression from the workday. 
But with two kids at home... when am I supposed to do that? 

***

Am I okay with a lifestyle that doesn't involve extra paychecks? 

Same concept as shopping. 
To preface this, Adam and I have always lived on one income. 
I was the sole breadwinner while he was in law school. 
Then once he got a job, my entire paycheck went to saving for our second home.  
But still, the idea of losing that very hefty chunk of cash is a bit terrifying. 

***

Again, as I said above, some of these things I can start to address now. 
But I'm sure they will continue to evolve over time. 
Some old fears will be squashed. 
New fears will pop up. 
We will see. 

1 comment:

  1. I think all of these are totally rational, and I would have a lot of the same fears if I were ever to GET to stay home :) Also, I come from a long line of SAHMs and I would say most of my friends are SAHMs, so I have the opposite issue as you in that I've always held them in slightly higher regard than working moms, as if we working moms are cheating or not really fully playing the role of mom or something. Bottom line is that all of it is hard, but all of it is worth it. Good luck, my friend!

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