SAHM vs Working Mom:
Fun fact: my brain insists that "separation" has 2 Es and 1 A.
Thank you, spellcheck, and I apologize in advance if I miss any throughout this post.
I know just what you're thinking.
"Oh yes, her baby has separation anxiety because he's with his mom all day."
And yes does.
And he HATES when I leave him.
But no, believe it or not,
this is about MY separation anxiety.
I already knew staying home,
I was increasing the liklihood that my baby would be used to
MOMMY AND ONLY MOMMY,
and I had accepted that might be the case.
What I did not expect,
was that it would be a two-way street.
As a working mom,
I was used to leaving Aaron.
I left him 5 days a week for 9 hours a day,
sometimes up to 12 hours if I had an MBA class that night.
He was left with grandmothers, with Adam,
with babysitters, etc.
And yes I would miss him
and I hated pumping because pumping sucks,
but aside from the initial transition at 8-weeks,
I wasn't particularly emotional about it.
(Or so I remember.)
Then contrast that to staying home.
I was in a yoga class the other week,
while the babysitter was feeding Aaron and Oliver dinner.
And the whole class all I could think was:
"What if she doesn't cut the pasta small enough and Oliver chokes?"
My mind became so fixated on this that I almost left class to check my phone.
Like seriously, it's an hour class.
And for pete's sake, it's YOGA where I'm supposed to let the outside world go.
Sometimes I don't fixate on fatal events,
but rather just stress that he's upset.
Oliver basically doesn't cry with me.
But he really does not cry.
Perched on mommy's hip is basically his favorite place in the world.
So if he's NOT on my hip,
I stress about if he's freaking out.
Funny, I don't actually stress about HIS misery,
but about the misery of his poor caregiver.
Remember when I said we needed to say a prayer for my sister
who was putting him to bed for the first time in months?
It went fine.
Or so she tells me.
Unless she lied.
Now, before you think I never want to leave my baby.
I love to get out.
I love when my sister comes on Wednesdays
and I go get my nails done or go shopping
or ride IN THE CAR IN SILENCE.
And I love date nights on the weekends.
and I absolutely can't wait to go to DC for a girls weekend in March.
It's all so GLORIOUS.
BUT once I leave... I worry.
So yes, my baby is mommy-clingy because he's with me all day.
But in turn, I've become baby-clingy because I'm with HIM all day.